"300" - Prepare for 'Gory'

"People who were expecting the continuation of the prev Zen story - The transformation, please wait ;-) ... In the interim.."

Over the last month or so, millions of people all over the world, including me, have been witness to the unbelievable feats of a unique set of people. We have watched in awe and applauded these brash, macho, courageous, gallant, superhuman and above all, yellowish creatures who seem to stop at nothing to defend the glory of their proud nation and to mercilessly massacre their enemies. I am talking here, of course, about the Australian Cricket Team.

Ha Ha Ha Ha, just kidding!! I was actually referring to the Spartan army in the new Hollywood blockbuster movie ‘300’, which gets its name from the total number of visible muscles on the upper torso of a Spartan soldier. ;-)

If you didn’t know it already, the movie is based on the legendary Battle of Thermopylae, in which 300 gallant Spartan soldiers fought bravely against one million lily-livered faggots of the invading Persian army, and kept them at bay for three whole days, while the rest of Greece was busy with the Olympics. The Spartans were lead by their fearless King Leonidas, played in the film by Gerard Butler, whose only previous claim to fame came when he was the only British actor NOT considered for the role of James Bond. The Persian Empire was ruled by the 8-foot-tall, dark and handsome Xerxes, also known as the ‘Bling-King’. Reputed historians from all over the world agree that, if not for his unquenchable thirst for power, Xerxes could’ve had a major impact in the NBA.

Now the Spartans were a tribe of real men, so manly that if Hulk Hogan had lived in Sparta, he would’ve been a nurse or a fashion designer. In Spartan schools, young boys were trained in the art of war. They were taught never to retreat, never to surrender and to torture prisoners of war by locking them up in a room alone with Navjot Sidhu. ;-)

The Persians, on the other hand, were open-minded, extremely horny and willing to experiment with their sexuality. So, when they heard the Spartans crying, “Only the hard and strong may call himself Spartan. Only the hard,” they just had to visit Sparta to check if it was true. So, they decide to invade Greece.... ;-) Just kidding..

King Leonidas, after hearing about the upcoming invasion on Sparta, gets all excited about getting to kick some Persian butt. So, following the official protocol, he asks the Oracle, played by a sexy, writhing young woman covered with only a piece of thin white cloth ,which reveals more than what it covers(Wachowski brothers, please note. You suck.), whether it would be a good idea.

That is Oralce in 300.Wish she was an Indian Goddess; Pity us.That was the most decent pic i could get

Using her prophetic powers, she tells him no, it would be a very bad idea and that everyone would die a bloody death on the battlefield but adds that many centuries later, the movie adaptation of their story would make loads of money. So, Leonidas signs a lucrative deal with Warner Bros., gathers 300 of his best soldiers and goes to war against the invading Persian army.

They march north towards Thermopylae to stop the Persians from entering Greece. The Persians ask the Spartans to drop their weapons and save the movie producers the money to be spent on special effects for the computer generated battle scenes. Leonidas responds to this suggestion by first smirking, and then screaming, “Persians!! Come and get them!!” . The embarrassed and enraged Persians immediately sound the battle cry. And so the war begins.

The Spartan soldiers use the phalanx formation, also known as the attacking 4-4-2, and some really astounding special effects to fight off wave after wave of Persian attackers, including silver-masked magicians, an angry rhinocerous, some agitated battle elephants and a couple of hideously deformed circus freaks, all of whom have the fighting skills of a washing machine. For the next few minutes, the screen is a mix of red and brown and body parts go flying around and blood splatters everywhere.This movie also has some Tamil cinematic scenes. I strongly believe that 'Pudungi' Perarasu helped the script writers...Especially when the Commander in chief regrets not for his son's death but for not revealing how much he loved him... SHIT !!

Xerxes, impressed by the Spartan fighting spirit, personally approaches Leonidas, gives him a shoulder massage, and promises him a full-body if only he would kneel down in front of him and do you-know-what. The Spartan king politely declines, saying instead that he would make the Persians bleed to death.

Finally, the Persians, after displaying the intellectual capabilities of cabbage for nearly three-quarters of the movie, suddenly turn into cunning military strategists and surround the Spartan army on all sides. Xerxes demands their surrender, asking Leonidas to service him once before he died. To this indecent proposal, Leonidas replies with the immortal line: “This will not be quick, you will not enjoy this, and I am not your Queen!” [im getting nasty here pals ;-)] and later realising that he was looking at the wrong page of dialogue. Before he can find the right lines, the bling-king orders his archers to fire and all the brave Spartans are killed in a violent downpour of arrows.

The movie sucked big time...

My rating : 40/100

Plus : Photography, CG , Dialogues , Spartan Army

Minus : Profound humdrum.